Saturday, October 8, 2011

#1 Climbing the Invisible Ladder

I have a secret. Something I have only told very few people. I have depression, the real, “I get really unhappy every so often” kind that I will have for the rest of my life. I have had symptoms of it since I was in the 6 th grade, and I tried to hide it. For years no one had a clue; my friends, my family, and my teachers. Not a soul ever knew that I felt less then peachy keen 100% of the time. But I didn’t a lot of the time, I felt horrible about myself and about other people. I felt completely worthless. I assumed it was normal.
By the time I was a sophomore my depression became more pronounced, I spent a lot of time avoiding people, trapping myself in my room with my unhappy thoughts. Unfortunately, this led to one of the most common symptoms of depression, thoughts of suicide. I eventually confessed my feelings to my doctor and scheduled an appointment with a psychologist and went to therapy every week. Through that I realized things about myself that allowed my depression to fester I learned to live my life differently, that way it wasn’t so easy to be pulled under. For a few months things were fine, I kept negative feelings at bay with coping skills that I learned in therapy and I was feeling lighter and better. However, right around Christmas things spiraled out of control.  I’m not going to get into all of the gritty details but I ended up in the hospital. For 4 days I was miserable with about 20 other girls, who were about as pleasant as paper cuts right in between your fingers.
I learned a lot from the other patients. Those girls live an entirely different life from me, and big part of me realizes I have so much more to be happy about then they do. I have family that care about me, but most of all I’m going somewhere. I’m living my life with a clear path in mind; not wandering through life inebriated not caring whether or not I see tomorrow. Eventually, I got out and when I came home, things had changed for me. My life could be so different.  I could be like one of those girls, easily. So now when I become unhappy, I think about a girl named Chimae. I think about how serious she was about recovery and it reminds me that she fell a lot further then I did, but she was working harder then me to get better. Part of me says that she was inspirational to me, another part
says I am entirely to competitive, but either way, I think of her and I remember that I should evaluate my life before I fall over the edge and remember how many lives I touch and how many lives touch mine. After I remember that its hard to think that giving anything up would be worth the cost.

Performed: 3/2011

Hello, Intro

Hello and welcome to The Depression Monologues.
My name is Laura and this blog will be dedicated to raising awareness about depression and all things associated with it. I am no professional, of course any information I share will be factual I'll even cite it, but mostly this is just my opinion and my own personal experience with depression. Every person's struggle is different and I make light of my own. In no way do I mean to discredit other people's struggle.

Who is this Random Person?

I am not going to include names, dates, or actual locations. Sorry, anyone who was hoping to track me down and stalk me I am doing my best to make that very difficult for you.
I am Laura and I have depression. I live on the east coast with my mother. I have an average life. Go to school, go to work, go to therapy yada yada yada. I wanted to make this a series of monologues. The first time I told my friends (read: group of strangers I had an acting class with) it was a monologue I had written, about the first time I was an in-patient (very interesting experience more on that later). I express myself best in the form of a speech, I pretend I'm in front of a crowd of people, give myself a topic, and off I go blathering onwards.
Any more questions? No? Good. Now you may read the first monologue.