I have a secret. Something I have only told very few people. I have depression, the real, “I get really unhappy every so often” kind that I will have for the rest of my life. I have had symptoms of it since I was in the 6 th grade, and I tried to hide it. For years no one had a clue; my friends, my family, and my teachers. Not a soul ever knew that I felt less then peachy keen 100% of the time. But I didn’t a lot of the time, I felt horrible about myself and about other people. I felt completely worthless. I assumed it was normal.
By the time I was a sophomore my depression became more pronounced, I spent a lot of time avoiding people, trapping myself in my room with my unhappy thoughts. Unfortunately, this led to one of the most common symptoms of depression, thoughts of suicide. I eventually confessed my feelings to my doctor and scheduled an appointment with a psychologist and went to therapy every week. Through that I realized things about myself that allowed my depression to fester I learned to live my life differently, that way it wasn’t so easy to be pulled under. For a few months things were fine, I kept negative feelings at bay with coping skills that I learned in therapy and I was feeling lighter and better. However, right around Christmas things spiraled out of control. I’m not going to get into all of the gritty details but I ended up in the hospital. For 4 days I was miserable with about 20 other girls, who were about as pleasant as paper cuts right in between your fingers.
I learned a lot from the other patients. Those girls live an entirely different life from me, and big part of me realizes I have so much more to be happy about then they do. I have family that care about me, but most of all I’m going somewhere. I’m living my life with a clear path in mind; not wandering through life inebriated not caring whether or not I see tomorrow. Eventually, I got out and when I came home, things had changed for me. My life could be so different. I could be like one of those girls, easily. So now when I become unhappy, I think about a girl named Chimae. I think about how serious she was about recovery and it reminds me that she fell a lot further then I did, but she was working harder then me to get better. Part of me says that she was inspirational to me, another part
says I am entirely to competitive, but either way, I think of her and I remember that I should evaluate my life before I fall over the edge and remember how many lives I touch and how many lives touch mine. After I remember that its hard to think that giving anything up would be worth the cost.
By the time I was a sophomore my depression became more pronounced, I spent a lot of time avoiding people, trapping myself in my room with my unhappy thoughts. Unfortunately, this led to one of the most common symptoms of depression, thoughts of suicide. I eventually confessed my feelings to my doctor and scheduled an appointment with a psychologist and went to therapy every week. Through that I realized things about myself that allowed my depression to fester I learned to live my life differently, that way it wasn’t so easy to be pulled under. For a few months things were fine, I kept negative feelings at bay with coping skills that I learned in therapy and I was feeling lighter and better. However, right around Christmas things spiraled out of control. I’m not going to get into all of the gritty details but I ended up in the hospital. For 4 days I was miserable with about 20 other girls, who were about as pleasant as paper cuts right in between your fingers.
I learned a lot from the other patients. Those girls live an entirely different life from me, and big part of me realizes I have so much more to be happy about then they do. I have family that care about me, but most of all I’m going somewhere. I’m living my life with a clear path in mind; not wandering through life inebriated not caring whether or not I see tomorrow. Eventually, I got out and when I came home, things had changed for me. My life could be so different. I could be like one of those girls, easily. So now when I become unhappy, I think about a girl named Chimae. I think about how serious she was about recovery and it reminds me that she fell a lot further then I did, but she was working harder then me to get better. Part of me says that she was inspirational to me, another part
says I am entirely to competitive, but either way, I think of her and I remember that I should evaluate my life before I fall over the edge and remember how many lives I touch and how many lives touch mine. After I remember that its hard to think that giving anything up would be worth the cost.
Performed: 3/2011
